Oh I found the problem I was pointing the timing light the wrong way! They should really label these ends for which way to point them... I wonder how you see the strobe with that blinking light on the back shining in your eyes...

Problem solved. Swapped the cap and rotor out and we have perfect ignition using a 12 volt source. The odd part is that it was still sparking before so maybe the spark wasnt strong enough to register before the new cap and rotor???
Thanks for all the weird twists and turns this has taken though, my next guess was government involvement... Sshhh... Theyre watching...