HAMMER - Originally a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of Divining Rod to locate expensive parts close to the object you were trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE - Used to slice through the contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door, usually marked URGENT or FRAGILE. Works particularly well on boxes containing expensive seals, gasket sets etc.
ELECTRIC DRILL - Normally used to spin pop rivets in their holes, this tool is also used for drilling seatbelt mounting holes in the floor of trucks, just above the brake line which goes to the rear axle.
VICE GRIPS - Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
HACKSAW - One of the family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, erratic and unpredictable motion. Like real life, the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal everything turns out.
DRILL PRESS - A tall machine useful for suddenly grabbing flat metal bar stock out of your hand so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the workshop, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster above the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL - Cleans rust off old bolts, then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses in less time than it takes to say "Eric Clapton".
Bill
