Tom, Sounds like you could use some counseling/Life Coaching. I know of a good clinic in Virginia. But the next opening isn't until April. They take walk ins.
Ooops, OMG ... Carl .... How could I forget Beaverstick Bearer??
Did we ever go over your official duties? You'll have to check with Sweet, but I think you are the Lord Commander of the President's Ceremonial Guard Detail. Not to be confused, of course, with the commander of the President's actual security/sniping/reconnaissance team who is, of course, the NAPCOMan
Oh, and in the event of CGF (Catastrophic Grill Failure -- An ODSS DefCon 7-level event), you are to surrender the Beaver Stick to Marlow (as the Overlord of Processed Meats) so he can use it to prepare the processed meats over the open fire that Roache (as Underworld Fire Princess) builds while the Malted Beverage Distribution Team Lead (um, I think that's the Kiwi/Aussie hybrid) makes sure we are all properly prepared for the ceremonial ingestion of processed meats and other high sodium content, non-nutritional foods). Oh, might as well mention your other office -- which falls under Marlow, BTW: Deputy Overlord for Unprocessed Opportune Meats (e.g., roadkill)
Don -- Spare us your inflated protestations! You have no defense! You will, of course, be found guilty of treason and will (as Carl has already decreed) burn. You are already in NAPCOMan's scope crosshairs, by the way. Sweet dreams.
Sweet -- Feel free to jump in any time ...
Speaking of high level security events, there is only one ODSS DefCon 8 event currently in the SOP -- NBOH (No Beer On Hand). It's so serious, we don't even drill for it. We've only ever had one event of this magnitude and because of our egregious mismanagement of adult beverages, we were subjected to an attack of killer African bee-hornets, swarmed by amphibious killer death serpents and suffered from intense solar radiation. It was bad. We only narrowly escaped by leaping from cliffs into a torrential river in our heat stroke induced delirium. Our valorous President saved us all from the bees by placing his own body inbetween them and us, allowing our escape, while Marlow and Hambone fought off the snakes (although ... I think Hambone knew one of them ...). It was touch and go. I'm not making this up -- the others will corroborate this. You don't ever want a DefCon 8 event ...
ODSS Attorney General