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J.C. Milliman
Spare tire or... 5th wheel?

    You’re diddy boppin’ down the ole Superslab one day when you round a corner to find a beautiful (and unattached) young lady on the side of the road, trunk open, tire flat, looking frazzled and forlorn. Of course you pull over to offer assistance which is readily accepted. You don’t even skip a beat when you discover she’s single and ... um ... let’s make her a model on her way to a big magazine cover shoot.

    Yeah.

    Anyway, you discover her car is a Ferrari and has strange lug nuts and a complicated jacking procedure. Even though it’s in Latin, you dredge up what little you remember from Mrs. Johnston’s Latin class. It says something about downing several shots of Uzo, singing Ave Maria while flat on your back with one arm working the jack and the other balancing a screwdriver in the vent duct of the brake line prevalve.

    Your feet, meanwhile, are likewise engaged in a supine game of Twister. One is braced on the transaxle and the other tapping to keep you in time with the Sistine Chapel Choir (the group belting out Ave Maria for you to karaoke with) blaring from the CD player.

    Nope, you don’t even break a sweat ‘cause in your trunk, you just happen to carry every tool Snap-On makes.

    Sure! You never know when you’ll happen upon a super model in need of assistance and you have the space because you carry no spare.

    Too sexist for you? Fine. YOU be the one on the side of the road in the Ferrari and the supermodel (who majored in automotive technology at State and is ASE certified, as well as being beautiful, rich and single) stops to help YOU.

    Hmmmm ... Maybe that’s better, anyway...

    Ahem, where were we?

    So, for whatever reason -- from being prepared to help damsels in distress (you saint, you!) to being just plain cheap -- you carry no spare, eh? Neither do I. I think I have a good reason.

    I don’t need it.

    Call it eccentric, cheap, weird, foolish, risky, gambling or whatever -- it doesn’t matter. I take care of my tires and, so far, they take care of me. Instead of lugging around extra weight as a hedge against possible tire failure, I simply put in a little effort up front to keep my tires in good condition.

    You know, the old "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" thing? Well, the big carmakers know it and are starting to practice it.

    At least as far as spare tires go. Chrysler’s new road rocket, the 2004 Crossfire, doesn’t even come equipped with a spare, just a can of good, ole American Fix-a-Flat.

    Works for me.

    Think about it, though -- when was the last time you chanced upon a Supermodel on the side of the road, her Ferrari suffering from loss of air pressure? Much less one who also desperately wanted your help and, upon getting it, then wanted to bear your children and wash your socks for the rest of her life?

    That’s my point, you see. People aren’t getting that many flats out on the road that I see. And those who do get them for a couple of simple reasons -- they are either driving where they shouldn’t, or they aren’t taking care of their tires.

    The first one is simple. Stay away from places likely to have pointy things capable of releasing all that air you’re holding prisoner in your tires (air has feelings too, you know!).

    Construction sites, barnyards, scrap metal dealers, Yonkers -- all places to avoid.

    The second is not so simple. It requires a little conscientious planning and attention to detail.

    Your tires are your primary interface with the road. They turn your car, make it go, stop it and keep it from actually sitting on the road. Remember your Newtonian physics? Things travelling in a straight line will stay in a straight line unless acted upon by a force and all that?

    Because of those opposing forces, joined in battle right there at the tire (And where’s Luke Skywalker when you need him?), your car’s shoes take a lot of stress. To help them, you should do all the normal stuff like checking for dry rot, keeping them inflated to the recommended pressure (NOT the maximum pressure printed on the tire itself -- look in your owner’s manual), and rotating them every 10,000 miles.

    Add to that avoiding areas where nails and other sharp object could lay in wait to poke holes in unsuspecting rubber and driving sensibly to minimize the stresses on your tires. Do these things and be amazed at the long life you can get from your tires.

    And a spare? Simply extra weight to carry around and burn gas just for a little peace of mind you can just as easily get from doing proper maintenance. That's not to say, however, you won't ever get a flat. All I'm saying is that I've made the decision to gamble on not getting one. In return, I get extra space, less weight and marginally better fuel economy.

    As I said earlier, the Big Three are starting to realize better technology exists and that more consumers are willing to trust it. From the run flats in the Hummer, to the lack of a spare at all in the Chrysler Crossfire, modern tire technology has rendered the spare a needless anachronism.

    And it’s about time, too.

    For one thing, cars aren’t getting any bigger -- have you looked at those Toyota MR2’s? They have no storage space at all. Nuthin. Zilch.

    But they do have a spare.

    Some cars today still feature, as an additional cost option, full-size spares in place of the "Detroit Doughnut." Whoa! Sign me up to pay extra for something I will most likely never need. And if I did need it, it would most likely be flat itself because in the years I owned the car, I never bothered to check it.

    Ain’t America great?

    When my dad had his first car (A '27 Model T), he and his buddies had to stack four or five spares up on the back of the car just to get around. Why so many? Tire technology (and the roads) weren't so hot back then. We've come a long way since then.

    When was the last time you had a flat out on the road? I can’t remember. And if you did, chances are you have car insurance with roadside assistance (as well as a cellphone to dial it up on) to call and have the nice man in the truck come help you get going again.

    So tell me again why cars have to carry spare tires around anymore?

    I’ve liberated myself. Shed, as it were, of the oppressive chains of a dated paradigm, I’m free to carry those 100 pounds (my dually wheels are heavy) of something else. Or in the case of a normal vehicle, you’ve gained a few precious cubes to put another grocery bag or two.

    As with most things in life, a little attention to detail can free you for greater things. Take care of those tires and they’ll take care of you.

    And that spare?

    Sortta like a fifth wheel, huh?